Claim the Hidden Gifts in Your Shadow
Part 2
… Know that you are not alone
And that this darkness has purpose;
Gradually it will school your eyes
To find the one gift your life requires
Hidden within this night-corner …
For Courage (O’Donohue, 2008)
Don’t rush the most important step … knowing yourself
We tend to expect a quick resolution for whatever ails us, so we do not go searching for enlightenment through our unknown self. We want to go directly into our Shadows, clear them out and be done. There is not much patience or curiosity as to the meaning of all that we are going through.
The secret, for whatever reason we do not know about, is that once we make friends with our Shadows, and heal some of the Psychological Problems the Shadows create, we open ourselves to more of our light. Note that we are never finished, and we don’t have to heal all to start experiencing more of the “light” side of us. When that happens, we are able to open up to a world that may seem at this moment “miraculous”.
What I have observed, from personal experience with my own ‘dark,’ as well as with my clients’ shadows, is that we also have light shadows of intrinsic beauty and strength to claim and enjoy when we venture inward and examine. We cannot fully enjoy the light side of ourselves until we embrace our shadow dark/ side. To feel whole, we must make the darkness within us conscious, as it holds many of our life’s gifts.
You are so much more than you believe!
Shadow is really an invitation to become something more. Where there is light there are shadows. When Michelangelo was faced with a huge block of stone, he saw something more in it, the beauty, the potential to carve the meeting of the light and shadows into a majestic, timeless masterpiece.
You are a diamond not fully polished, so embrace your light and shadows. Embrace all of you. It doesn’t mean that we have to get finished healing our Shadows to experience the “light”. No, we are always a work in progress…. never finished. There is only one you in the whole world. If you do not embrace yourself, grow and share, that which you came to do, will be lost to us.
You need your shadows to be a complete person!
To experience the riches of life’s tapestry, we cannot pick and choose only the attractive parts with which we are comfortable.
“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light,” said Carl Jung. (Jung, 1963)
It is important to risk knowing yourself at a deep level in order to have more of you available for a full, happy, passionate life. It is only when we come to know our unique wisdom as well as our dark side that integration can take place, and we have more personal power.
Ask your dreams to reveal the mystery!
When I am in an important life transition, my unresolved shadow, or the dark visage, tends to show up in my dreams. If the symbols do not get my attention at first, they become uglier, more persistent, and graphic, until taken seriously. If these messages were not reflected on and treated as important, I would miss out on knowing about a hidden shadow part of myself, patterns that negatively impact the quality of my life.
I am hopeful that by now you have become still long enough and journaled about what you have found. You have been willing to “call by its right name”, the patterns and behaviors that you hide thus hold you back.
Self -Awareness a key ingredient!
As you become more aware of yourself through getting still and journaling your life story, know that one can make shifts with intention, awareness, acceptance and active determination and practicing change. Taking one’s time and being patient and self-compassionate is the key here.
Important to honor your emotional safety!
As you get to know yourself and if you find serious difficulties in your life or trauma in your early life, especially, do not attempt to go through this healing journey alone.
How to find the right help for healing:
Find a Psychotherapist, A Marriage and Family Therapist, Psychologist or Social Worker. Whoever you choose, ask if he or she has a background, training and experience in working with Trauma and deep inner work. There are those among us who do not have that training, and some are uncomfortable with intense emotions.
Many have a variety of training and gifts, but it is important that you choose what is right for you at this time. If you start sessions with someone and you do not feel safe after say two or three sessions do not stay.
Many offer a free consultation, however the person you choose, I suggest that you interview as to their training and experience. It’s your life and future here and with a good fit in a Therapist, wonderful healing can take place… you can heal. It takes some commitment to go through healing layer by layer, but this is an investment in your life, and you are worth it.
As somebody who has experienced such healing personally in therapy and as somebody who has helped others through similar struggles…let me tell you after working some issues through that the difference in your life quality is like night and day.
A sequence for those not feeling the need of outside help!
For those feeling like tackling your own Shadows, here is an example of the process that will help you unearth the problem, understand it and heal it. Let’s unmask a common shadow that we tend to have a complicated relationship within some situation or other. Anger!
Anger often a “shadow” that is not so hidden:
Let’s take Anger as an example of a perfectly healthy emotion that got bastardized, thus put in the “shadows”.
Before we proceed let me tell you about the hidden gift in anger when expressed appropriately. Anger’s gift is “Passion” for life. Don’t even think that you should get “rid” of Anger. You just must learn to express it differently if it is causing you problems.
As we examine how our “Anger” story is imprisoned in our “Shadows”, there are several layers to unpack to heal from the burden and to claim its gift.
Were you subject to caretakers who didn’t modulate their anger and were violent, thus couldn’t teach us to express appropriately?
Or did your family deny that they had anger and judge your authentic expressions? Often families adhere to socially acceptable angers, that of criticizing, judging, gossiping refusing to see that the expressions are also anger. When anger is expressed this way there is no relief, but endless spurts, void of authentic feelings.
How to dismantle:
How do we dismantle the power of something we try to hide, deny and are embarrassed to talk about. Our anger story is quite often tinged with shame and blame. In your families of origin, were you shamed for having anger, so you suppressed it to be considered a “nice” girl?
The Upside of Anger and other shadows!
Let’s use anger as an example to guide you in how to uncover the power in your anger. Once you know your story, harness its energy to work for you. Start your journey by facing and answering some provocative questions.
What is your anger pattern?
Do you say “No, I’m not angry?”
You may be afraid of the volatile, vicious anger we see at one end of the spectrum, and associate all anger expression as out of control, fear its expression and deny having anger, which in turn freezes our emotions.
Do you accept or deny the anger in irritability, criticism, resentment, negativity, and being judgmental
Time to reflect that your anger is ‘powerful passion gone awry’
Make friends with your anger, or other Shadows!
Stop, breathe slowly, and drop into reflection
Where are you on the anger spectrum?
How does it show up in your life?
Anger is a powerful energy. How do you use this energy?
Do you deny this energy/passion by stifling your feelings?
Do you allow it to come forward in small manageable socially approved spurts that you call something else?
Do you believe it is shameful to have anger?
Why? Where did you get this belief?
Do you blame others for making you angry?
Do you enjoy your anger? (You might think this is a strange question, but many people do.)
Anger is Power…Are you afraid of it?
Give your anger form; it can become your endurance and strength, moving you out of stuck places. Use the creative, passionate energy in anger to propel you into the night and onward into your journey.
“Do not use your anger to conceal a radiance that should not be hidden.” (Rumi & Barks(Translator), 1995)
I hope that I have helped you to start unmasking your “shadows”. On the other side is the joy of an authentic life.
Start today!
If I can be of help to you as to how to start understanding and healing, Just ask!
If you don’t know whether to tackle the process alone or how to choose the help you need, Just ask!
Send me an e-mail to Laura@laurabyoung.com
I look forward to connecting with you further down the road.
Blessings, Laura