Claim the Hidden Gifts in Your Shadow
Part 1
“Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he(she) never shows to anybody.” (Twain, 1897).
Our shadows will not be denied!
Try walking down a country road in the summertime without your shadow. Cross the road, it is there; walk backwards, there it is, a constant. It will not be denied. It is a demanding taskmaster.
Where there is light, there is shadow.
More demanding than the outside Shadow is the one inside. We all have one. No matter how “good” (light) you think you are, you have a “Shadow”. Trouble in our lives is in proportion to how much we deny what our shadow is holding and hiding. The more denial that we are in… the more uproar it can cause.
Within each of us is a cavern of unknowns where forbidden feelings, secret wishes, and our creative urges are stored. Our lives cannot be full and meaningful, unless we find the courage to meet and make friends with our inner shadow or “darkness”.
Facing our shadows allows freedom!
A powerful truth is that by facing our Shadows, we start healing emotional pain and confusion. Before we really do anything, the fact of turning around and facing a part of us that we so often consciously or unconsciously deny: we cannot go back to business as usual. The “Shadow” contains all of the complexities and conflicts of our Psychological burdens. We cannot go around what is there. We have to be intentional and have the courage to go through layer by layer what we find.
Explore with self-compassion!
The inner disliked parts of us, our shadows include what we want to hide from ourselves and others. We hide our addictions, adultery, lying, stealing, jealousy, depression. and the denied parts of self we don’t want to own. We further complicate the picture with judgement and shame causing further separation from our authentic self. Even if nobody finds out about our darkness, it exacts its price on our sense of self. Be kind to yourself as if you were comforting a dear friend, we are all in the same boat.
#1: Awareness…a willingness to know the truth:
All of us carry some degree of darkness. Nobody is exempt. The sooner we acknowledge the sooner we can own, work through our shadows and carry less baggage. When we carry less baggage, we can be more open and authentic. Most important is once we acknowledge, start understanding and befriending our shadow, it will have less power to disrupt our lives. It is simply a matter of more or less extreme. None of us are without.
Are you curious about your “blind spots”?
People refer to the shadow in others as their blind spots or their dark side. Are you aware of your ‘blind spots?’ Do you have somebody you trust to have a heart-to-heart conversation about your “blind spots”? Will you listen? The shadow is also referred to as our demons. Whatever reference you choose does not matter. What matters is that you find within a willingness to explore the hidden.
How to “see” what we are hiding:
We condemn in others what we disown in ourselves. It takes courage to face the ‘shadow’ side of ourselves. An imminent psychologist, Carl Jung said,
“When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate.” (Jung, 1963)
This is not a popular concept and rather disagreeable to most of us.
Call it by its right name!
When we decide to know our hidden self (unconscious) with an intention, our shadow starts to come forward in a myriad of ways. (Just as when you decide to buy a red car and suddenly, you see red cars everywhere.)
It shows up when we judge others harshly, as in “she is stupid, fat, manipulative; he is arrogant, a control freak, a miser”. Hello! It is the disowned parts of us that are speaking…not so hidden. Our self-talk also gives us information about what is in our unconscious. ‘I am a klutz, a loser, a failure, or superior to them.’ Criticism of self and others, the secrets we hide, the shames we have are our shadows in disguise.
We spend so much time conflicted or hiding our darkness we do not allow ourselves to see our light. Our light is also a Shadow. If we see our light, we tend to undervalue it and don’t allow it to be acknowledged. In essence, we hide our light as well. No wonder we have so many obstacles in the way of being happy and peaceful.
For instance, when we minimize our light, we do not own our strengths, or are afraid if we express them, others may be uncomfortable. Creativity, courage, happiness and freedoms may be disowned.
What do you think when you hear “Shadow”?
When you hear the phrase, ‘the shadow,’ what does it conjure up for you? The tendency is to see it as the dark side of human nature, maybe evil, ‘not us’ but ‘them.’ It may comfort us
somewhat to put the “shadow “side of them separate from us, thus feeding the lie, the illusions. This gives the “Shadow” full of power to disrupt as we continue to deny its presence and are unprepared.
#2: Acceptance of what we find:
Acceptance is being open to finding without judgement, what keeps us struggling. You are familiar with the phrase… “what we resist persists.” What if we reframed ‘the Shadow’ and claimed the unknown part of us, with a curiosity, a willingness to know and to befriend the part of us that we hide and thus causing ongoing struggles.
If ignored and left unattended its power can shatter our mask; the way we present ourselves to the world, to our families, in our careers, and relationships.
Courage to face the truth brings unexpected freedoms!
Actually, once you face what is there…the opposite of what you fear will happen… happens! Counterintuitive actually! When we dive in with curiosity and a willingness to know what is in our subconscious or what is hidden that has the power to cause such un-ease; our healing has already begun. Frequently we are healed from not only emotional struggles but from many physical diseases rooted in what we have denied.
Do you feel that something is missing?
Over time I have heard clients say, “I feel like something is missing”. In the denial of parts of ourselves we don’t like or have denied expression, something is missing. I have felt that way before facing some of my denied parts. I can tell you from my experience and that of many clients, the feeling is like night and day, once you start owning all of you. Warts and all.
Having more of ourselves available to take our place confidently in the world is a gift of Freedom and Feminine Empowerment. What I have observed, from personal experience with my own ‘dark,’ as well as with my clients’ shadows, is that we also have light of intrinsic beauty and strength to claim and enjoy when we venture inward and examine. We cannot fully enjoy the light side of ourselves until we embrace our shadow side.
Self- Compassion required!
To feel whole, make the darkness within, conscious. It holds many of our life juices. Until we make friends with it, we cannot have an integrated self. Regardless of how many good experiences we are having, it is not complete, because we still have in our unconscious a large, unaddressed, unknown part. It takes an enormous amount of energy to suppress such a cauldron of feelings as we attempt to deny its expression.
If you don’t make your shadow conscious:
Our shadow is transformative if we will make it conscious, face it and accept the fact that it is ‘me too.’ When denied it is likely to erupt when you least expect it, and may cause irreparable damage. At least if it erupts, your discontent with yourself may propel you to do something about it. It can be worse for you if it doesn’t erupt or peek out. That means you have suppressed so much of your authentic self, it will be harder work for you to unearth your denied parts. But it can be done.
Time to take out your Journal:
Top a blank page with the word “COURAGE” and start writing your Story.
Write it as it is not as you would like it to be, which will give you more power to see self-betrayal and all the ways you may be underestimating yourself.
Be Curious, be willing to know what is there. Practice self- compassion …
Don’t judge, just write about the repetitive struggles that show up in your life, time and time again.
Until we excavate what is there, if we put out one fire or one problem another one comes up in its place, There is no end to the struggles.
So be intentional, take you time go deeper being aware and then accepting…and so you have started…you have taken the first step.
Claim the wonderment of you!
Next time in Part 2 we will examine some healing solutions.
Blessings, Laura