Secrets to Transforming Loneliness
“I am too alone in the world, and yet not alone enough to make
every moment holy” (Rilke & Deutsch, 1941)
Unlikely segue.
You may think this an unlikely segue after spending time on the Joys of Creativity and risking the richness of non-conformity as in “Color Outside the Lines”. Based on a couple of requests to address Loneliness and due to hearing more about the pain of Loneliness, in my Practice, since the Pandemic, it seems timely. Know that Loneliness is not isolated from anything that I have written to date. There is nothing “wrong” with you. It is another way some core but “faulty beliefs” about your dear sweet self are expressing pain.
If you are the least bit curious, you will find that all my Blogs address some of the same core issues from a different perspective or points of pain. We although different, are also much alike and the ways of not valuing, loving or being compassionate towards self-shows up in different ways. Different …yes! But at the core, there are many similarities. Loneliness does not have a different cause. Painful, yes, however it takes the same threading of the needle inward, not outward, to get to the faulty beliefs about ones-self in order to resolve the pain. It can be done. I have done so, both personally and with clients professionally. It just does not have to take you as long as it did me.
I am familiar with loneliness
All of us face being lonely at different times in our lives. I remember being so very lonely as a child and in my marriage, I further complicated the problem with an attempt to cover up the ache of Loneliness… We tend to create expectations around when we “shouldn’t” be lonely. One such time is not expecting to be lonely in a marriage, or in a crowd for instance.
Shame complicates the picture:
We further complicate the experience of loneliness by feeling shame about being lonely. Somehow, we believe that other people are not experiencing the same feelings as we are. We also believe that it is happening because there is something “wrong” with us. Some people are ashamed about feeling lonely in a society where the illusion is that everybody else has someone or has something fun to do. The possibility of rejection can make it difficult to reach out for help or get close to other people. (they may find out).
Example of faulty beliefs:
I remember the first Christmas after my divorce, I was excruciatingly lonely. I got divorced in September. Shopping that Christmas, at the Mall was horrible. It felt as though everybody in the world was “coupled” up and it was me, that had to tread the path alone.
As you can see my thinking was skewed in all-or-nothing beliefs. Not true, but at the time I believed and had shame about the dissolution of my marriage. I couldn’t ‘t bear to expose my feelings or talk to anybody yet.
We can get quite off-center in our desperation and faulty thinking, create a story that seems to make sense .
Unrecognized reasons for Loneliness:
Our unexplained and undervalued gifts
Several clients over the years told me they felt different from a very young age. This difference does not mean anything is wrong at all, but their difference was never explained. The difference of being an introvert in an 85% extravert culture. Our Culture badly needs the quieter and less gregarious to balance and provide some deeper and quieter thinkers. But often the introvert does not value self and starts a faulty belief system with betrayal of self to try and fit in.
Another difference:
There are those among us who are born more intuitive and sensitive than others, especially in the younger generation. I have had clients hide their sensitivity thinking something was wrong with them. Often, they are marginalized by others who do not understand or value differences. Knowing more than your average child, tends to make adults uncomfortable. The children hold back their gifts and pretzel themselves to try and fit in at a terrible expense to self-worth. I know one child that held back so much of herself, thinking she was “weird” that she became mute for years.
For many, Loneliness is situational and can be worked through as we go through the necessary changes to find a new stability, a stronger, core version of self.
Fear of Loneliness:
There are also people among us who have unremitting aches of loneliness to contend with for long periods of time. Even when there is a reprieve, it is not experienced as freedom because the fear of loneliness and when it will return, is a constant.
We must do what may be considered counterintuitive, to change our life experience or we may not be able to unravel it.
This Blog is especially for those who experience loneliness and have not yet found solitude to be a sacred space. As with everything in life, loneliness and solitude are two ends of a spectrum with many variations in between. May what you learn about yourself here help you find courage in the facing of loneliness or the fears of it.
Fear of Loneliness…what we’ll do to avoid it… People often equate solitude with loneliness, and loneliness frightens them. Fear of loneliness can lead to unwise choices, to fill up feelings of emptiness. The choices manifest in many ways, such as multiple marriages,staying in marriages that are destructive, putting up with poor treatment from friends, and clinging to children, to avoid the pain of loneliness. In the deepest sense, they are not really living, but limiting themselves, staying in unhappy relationships to avoid the root cause of their loneliness. When people choose to avoid, they do not evolve enough to enjoy the other side of loneliness: solitude.
The difference of solitude:
Solitude is a nourishing sense of space, with its accompanying companions of stillness and silence. In our society people often have resistance regarding the importance of stopping the busyness and getting still to reflect on their lives. I see clients who are over the top with their busy, fast frequency lives and the accompanying anxiety. If not in words, the behavior reaction is, “I just do not have time for stillness. Give me some real homework, something to do!” Between the pressure to do, do, do, and the fear of being lonely, solitude gets a short shift.
Busy Schedules often hide loneliness.
There is a difference, in the energy of people who use busyness to avoid addressing inner problems. The energy used to avoid has anxious and frenetic overtones. Frequently the behavior is compulsive, unwise actions leading to destructive
consequences.
Some things we don’t do:
Some people have shame about feeling lonely in a society where the illusion is that everybody else has someone or has something fun to do. The pain of loneliness as well as the possibility of rejection can make it difficult to reach out and get close to other people.
Fortunate few!
Some people are fortunate and naturally embrace solitude without loneliness; however, for most of us it is a mixed bag. So how does one travel through loneliness and arrive at the exquisite creative space of solitude?
Take a few minutes to reflect:
It is the first and the most important step:
Stop, get still…review and write your life story as it relates to Loneliness.
Journal your beliefs about Loneliness.
Journal your beliefs about yourself.
Take your time…there is nothing “wrong” with you! You most likely have some faulty beliefs.
What have you done to counter being Lonely?
No doubt you will be told many ways to get over being Lonely, however until you stop, go inward and know yourself, it cannot really be resolved. What you believe about yourself at a core level is the answer to your pain. If you don’t like what you find change it or get help to do so.
Think of times you were totally immersed in the moment, all alone and loving it. Go back in time and visualize the experience, bring all of your senses into it. Most children are at home with solitude and have memories from which to draw later.
However when a child experiences an unusual degree of anxiety in the early years, sometimes memories get blocked.
For example, I remember the first eight years, but after serious losses, there was a blur of anxiety.
If you cannot remember the times of being alone and loving it, create them. Go into the exercise with a curiosity of what if? What if I enjoyed solitude, then what scene would I put there? If anxiety has blocked memories, there are steps to reunite with them again…
Benefits of psychotherapy:
Psychotherapy can help, especially when other unresolved issues are present.
Humpty Dumpty:
My journey went from enjoying solitude as a child to many long years of loneliness and fear of it. Then Psychotherapy! Once again to enjoying and benefiting from solitude. It feels as if Humpty Dumpty (myself) came back to Solitude. So can You!
If you are lonely and wonder how to get started to better understand what is going on with you… Tell me what you are experiencing…
E-Mail Me at Laura@LauraBYoung.com.
I am offering the first 7 people who ask, a free ½ hour consultation.