The Rescuer Myth:
Who or What are you waiting for?
Have you been told, “do not worry your little head” or a similar response, implying that somebody else will take care of a problem? What else does it imply when it comes to your competence and confidence in the world? How is that working for you so far?
Ever wonder what boys are told?
Whether blatant or implied: who will be the rescuer?
Daddy
The “Right” man
The Lottery
The Emperor with no clothes? (After all that waiting will you have the courage to mention the naked thing?)
Was there a message implied or otherwise that when you go to college, you can expect to meet the “right man. However, if you are interested in someone, what do you do? Do you hold back and wait to be chosen?
I know a beautiful, intelligent college graduate who has had a series of relationships that fizzled out. As we unraveled them, she confessed that she usually started the relationships believing that she needed to treat guys as if they were smarter than her. Additionally, it became evident that she chose young men who had many personality traits in common with and triggered her emotionally distant father who let her down many times. However, she was sure he would come to her rescue if she needed bailing out of a tight spot.
Inside this empty bubble is a message whether conscious or unconscious that we don’t realize is an affront to our strengths. The message given to us leans on our insecurities as though we are helpless. And the message is… “Please do not make us feel uneasy. Fit in and do not attempt to become powerful in your own right. You know that you can’t make it in this world all by yourself”.
Over time, young married women have come to see me in crisis.
Women paralyzed or distraught about what to do next. They followed the family injunctions. They checked off all the “right” boxes such as the right schools, churches, and colleges, clubs, and married the right man.
Now they find themselves underwhelmed or overwhelmed, unanchored in the world and unhappy. Unfortunately, the bill of goods that they were sold suited their parents but not them. They had been tutored in a quagmire of faulty beliefs about what was expected. They were never encouraged to question or claim their own personal power. It is a crisis of not feeling adequate in the world and to change such a feeling, they find they have to take the first steps toward wholeness. It is harder later in life, but absolutely necessary to start questioning one’s beliefs and to find out what beliefs are not even theirs. It doesn’t have to take a long time but it does require intention and determination.
When one believes in the myth of a rescuer and develops a stronger sense of self later in a relationship it becomes more difficult to resolve.
For example, there is Sue who was sure that she had married the “right” man after college. Her husband entered the family Architecture and Restoration business and became quite successful. The economic downturn of 2008 changed the business drastically and took a toll on his mental health.
Anxious about the future, he became deeply depressed and unable to work.
Sue went to work using her business skills that she had previously undervalued. Within a few years, Sue had become successful to the point that the owners of the company, who were older, semi- retired, travelled leaving the running of the company and the responsibility of about 34 employees to her.
Sue loved her work and was liked and respected by the employees and owners alike.
At work she felt confident, knowledgeable and she said for the first time in her life, she felt her power. However, she didn’t know what to do with these feelings when she came home or had to work late.
She feared that her newfound Feminine Power would intimidate the unequal relationship she had had all these years with the “right man” that she met in college. She said that when she went home, she reverted to the role she had played with her husband over the years, one of a “shadow” partner, allowing him to shine.
I saw a distressed woman who needed to learn how to first forgive herself for years of self-betrayal.
Next, she needed to test the strength of the marriage and learn how to be in an authentic relationship with her husband. She had to risk finding out if he would be willing to accept her growth and join her in an egalitarian relationship. She appreciated who she had become; a much stronger woman than she ever thought was possible. She also knew she wouldn’t be able to accept less.
A TV commercial
A couple of years ago, I saw an ad on TV about a popular dating and meeting site. The images showed several young people discussing how the site made it easy to connect. Towards the end of the commercial a young woman came to center screen and spoke in wistful tones. “I’m ready to be with a good man”. “Come and find me”.
It was just an ad, but it distressed me to see the portrayal of a modern, 20-year-old girl waiting to be chosen. The content of the ad did not put the power of the sexes on equal footing. “Come and find me”, as if a man might be shopping for a car or a possession. Where is the woman’s power in such a statement? Have young women contacted the marketing people who were responsible for such a powerless statement? If not, why not?
Why isn’t a woman’s right to choose up front and center here? Why is this message acceptable after what so many women have gone through to open up the dialogue, to enlighten us? The first step into feminine power is to come out of denial about how poorly we treat ourselves and allow others to treat us. Why would we allow marketing to sell such blatant ads that minimize our power?
Maybe you believe this myth does not impede or even apply to you and your happiness in life. If that is the case, great! There are however very few females in our culture who have not been indoctrinated at some level with some version of this very destructive belief.
How about Healthcare when we expect usually male doctors to be our rescuers, not taking responsibility for truly educating ourselves on our health and procedures. We hire the medical team.
We also have the power to fire them if they do not listen or work with us.
Alas these are very few examples whereby we give away our power.
It is time to review what you are doing to perpetuate the faulty beliefs, that keep women/girls feeling that something is missing.
If you have trouble taking this turn for yourselves…do it for your daughters and grand-daughters so they have a more egalitarian experience in life.
To be sure you are not a victim, even on a very subtle level, Take out your Journal.
Write your story as it is, not how you would like it to be.
Writing in your Journal will help you to access the hidden, the sly ways we fool ourselves. Subtle influences bear great weight and prevent us from following through with our intentions and desires. First you must become aware of the lie, then you take action.
Helping Women of all ages to stand up and be counted is my Passion in Life. If you want to get out of roundabout struggles.
I can help.
Call me (no text)334-277-7955 24 hr. Message Center or Visit my website LauraBYoung.com. and see the Services that I offer.
Time for Reflection
Go to your Journal.
What is your belief about being rescued?
Write your old story!
After Reflection, write a new story.