Do You Contribute to Your Own Unhappiness?
The most important relationship you have in your life is the one you have with yourself.
Part 2
Are Your Murmurings Positive or Negative?
Do you have this familiar pattern that contributes to a feeling of discouragement or being stuck? How aware of this pattern are you? Often it is like having a constant companion, below the threshold of consciousness, while at the same time not entirely unconscious.
What I am talking about is a repetitive loop of low-level murmuring: a major power source that influences without a doubt, the amount of love, happiness, good health, joy or struggle present in our lives. We have about 60,000 thoughts a day. What percentage of those murmurings are in the category of self-love and self-compassion? This source of power cannot be taken lightly. Our thoughts, and self-talk have the power to bring self-compassion, and self-love and appreciation or some level of criticism or self-loathing that feeds a feeling of “not enoughness”.
A woman told me no matter what I am doing, the old refrain of “there is something really wrong with me” continuously pops in to torment her.
There is an abundance of negativity all around and the path of least resistance is to get caught up in it. No mystery here. We must become aware of how much/often we cycle around in a negative pattern. Even though the pattern is obvious, it is hard to break so we need to get intentional to change what is ingrained.
Obvious patterns of self-deprecation are not part of your story? However, if your life is not as you wish it to be, there are negative issues afoot. Be mindful, aware, and merciless as you ferret out these repetitive tripwires. Only then can you heal the rift between what you say you want, and what you really get.
Here is an example of me caught up in negative murmurings. I want you to become aware of the process I used to get free of their hold on me. There are many processes, mine is not necessarily pretty or fluid but is not complicated and allows for more authentic experience of self to begin as a more holistic and compassionate view of self.
Here’s a look at some sly and pervasive ways that negativity showed up for me and kept the hum “not enoughness” in my life…
After working on my issues for many years, I believed my awareness was amped up enough for life to be working according to my desires. Truthfully my life indicated some progress on some beliefs, some still troublesome with muddied results, indicating as always …more work to do. Accept there is no completion, just levels.
After tackling the more blatant beliefs, I knew without a doubt there were sly unseen mischief makers still afoot.
Wanting to get to the bottom of this situation I asked my unconscious to reveal the truth. Before I went to sleep, keeping my journal by my bedside, expecting answers, I asked such questions as… show me what is missing? What do I need to learn here? What are the trip wires that keep me from truly valuing myself and having what I desire? (You can use your Journal for the same questions).
Last Night as I was sleeping.
I dreamt a marvelous error!
That spring was breaking out in my heart. (Antonio Machado)
Nothing happened immediately. I was priming the pump so to speak. After a few nights, a wellspring of information came my way, in the usual symbolic language of dreams. Images of some habitual fears, beliefs of scarcity, layer by layer came up for examination. The images showed me how I was undermining the progress I had made, muddying outcome causing inner conflict… I was not aware how my subtle fears, low grade negative murmurings and self-betrayals were masked, denied, and overlooked.
Some of what I learned might be helpful to nudge you into seeing how sly and sneaky beliefs interfere with your greater good.
I found out quickly that I started and finished my days in the negative energy of scarcity and limits, instead of gratitude. Such as…
“I didn’t have enough sleep”, and fret about making it through the day. After pushing the alarm, a couple of times my thoughts go to “I am running late and there is no time to go to gym, meditate, or stretch” etc. Do you think in such a negative, self-condemning place that I prepared a breakfast to nourish my body or is it more likely that I gobbled something down in a sense of time urgency? Again, not “enoughness” or scarcity consciousness is taking up residence setting the mood for the day.
Does any of this resonate with you?
If I make it to the gym and weighed in, guess what my thoughts would be about my body?
What about bedtime when the to do list is barely touched? The tendency to have a scolding attitude towards self was frequently a bedtime companion.
Do you scold yourself at the end of the day/s?
Above are examples of sly murmurings of negativity and how they automatically slid in with a version of me as lacking. Scarcity of time, sleep, health, and energy was evident, as well as lack of appreciation for my body and a lack of gratefulness for all that I have. This habitual pattern of negativity had the power to influence my days/life.
What are your mischief makers?
How do you stop the barrage of negativity that hums just below the radar? Is it so familiar that you may not notice that it’s there? First you must decide to catch the sly slithering obstacle: become aware of its presence and how it influences your moods and even worse what you think of yourself.
Our moods are powerful indicators or teachers of what is really going on at a deep level and will if we become mindful, alert us to the low-grade ruminations that may be unconscious.
Stop and reflect without judgement but with compassion and understanding to question. Does a feeling of lack and negativity interfere with your deepest desires. Accept what you find. Stopping allows for the space and clarity, then action. A course correction if you will.
Journaling deeply into what my dreams were telling me and exploring faulty beliefs and old conditioning, I learned a lot. I became as accountable and truthful as possible about my journey for my own good and I wanted also to share the process with you…
With intention and purpose my morning self-talk changed to include journaling and gratitude. Not always, but more often.
Journaling helps us take what we are ruminating about out of the vapors, puts it in concrete form by doing this we disarm our unconscious. It is as if the unconscious stops resisting change and says aah! she is finally going to get to it.
What I know for sure is that you cannot resolve unhappiness without a substantial core of love for self. Sometimes it is beyond a woman’s grasp that she can go from a level of self-deprecation, loathing, judgement to loving self. Step by step, but you can! Yes! you can!
What to do?
You cannot think your way through this problem. In order to expand your love of self and change your circumstances you must be ready and willing to change. Yes! It is some work, but we can do so together. Feel within your depths, that you are worth it!
My journey to self-love and self-compassion, while never complete, is more a description of me now. It took me a long time. It is my heart’s desire to shorten your struggle and your journey to self-love and your heart’s desire.
Next time I will continue to help you open the door into your interior of self-love.
Start walking, start walking towards Shams.
Your legs will get heavy and tired.
Then comes the moment of feeling the wings.
You’ve grown, lifting. Rumi